Found all the stuff below on little teensy scraps of paper written in pencil. Not sure exactly who's handwriting it is but it wouldn't surprise me none if Doug gave these to Caleb.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
It sure would
be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the
queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born
on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except
for that part about letting just any ol' person vote.
Home is where
the house is.
wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he
should be. Then, I remember, it's because he stinks.
centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts
found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese
when you leave it out.
Nicola asked me what happens after we die. I
told her we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told her the truth -- that most of us go to hell and burn eternally
-- but I didn't want to upset her.
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The
same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national
debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human
condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have
found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get
a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the
rest of the night burping.
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
Once I heard the voice of God. It said
"**********." Unless it was just a l*** m****.
I don't know about you,
but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh
water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As
the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are
water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
In school, when I was reading a good book, I
stopped and thanked my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted
It would be
terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would
be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Think of the
biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many
Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up
The only stupid question is the one that is
never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my
return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in
fact, I was speeding?"
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.