EVIL C WORDS!
Just as there is good and evil, light and darkness in all of us, so there are more and lesser degrees of EVIL in the dreaded C-Words. These are a few the the Most Honorable Reverend Caleb Solar has deemed destined for Damnation for all Eternity and that's a really long time, even Doug-Doug knows that!
The Kidnapping Brainwashers of Beverly Hills - Beverly Hills, Californication
This left coast c-word forbids its members from seeking any form of medical treatmeats on the grounds that "There's just too many damn forms to fill out!" This group gained national prominence when they convinced the Anaheim Angels to have a "Ride The Goat Backwards" night at the stadium.
If you live in the Beverly Hills section of the Greater Los Angeles area, you may recognize members by their distinctive uniforms of Black Lambswool coats worn over orange unitards topped with Jackie-O pillbox hats that are worn during their High Holy Days of Mourning. Currently this is the only c-word in America that has a Looks-Standard that you must meet.
Flock of Satanatchuwanda Seagulls - Mount Hazy, Vermont
This little-know c-word was founded by Swami Satanatchuwanda, who shortened his name from Swami Satanatchuwandahasapeemapetalongrabinski. Members are not required to shave their heads bald or anything weird like that but they are required to wear their hair in unattractive beehive bouffant hairdo's, even the men.
The group's main activity is phoning the FBI and local authorities to take credit for such things that they couldn't possibly have caused, such as solar eclipses, the Ravens going to the Superbowl, rain storms and natural disasters. According to J.D. Power & Associates, this c-word ranks #1 in slavish devotion which is due in part to the mind-altering substances everyone is forced to take and the daily electroshock treatments. Oh, and their own form of worship music is old "Flock of Seagulls" albums.
Warehouse of the Abandoned Guardians - New Frootloops, Texas
This c-word believes that the ultimate sign of the end times and armmeggedon will be, A) a whole lot of nuclear weapons being launched at the same time B) world wide broadcast of Def Leopards - Armmegeddon It C) and the ascendancy of PeeWee Herman as the Anti-Christ. Members profess a fanatical devotion to their charismatic founder, Guru Ramath Vindaloo Ponnjo, (formerly Aaron Winogradsky)
Last year, after a tense 90 day standoff with the FBI, many members were jailed for illegally possessing and stockpiling gag pistols with the message, "BOOM!" imprinted on the flag fired by the pistols. The Warehousers believe in a message of tolerance, freedom and brotherhood, but only on Thursdays - the rest of the week they encourage the vicious, bloody overthrow of anything they don't approve of. The only problem is they are tight-lipped and refuse to elaborate on the things they disapprove of.
Heaven's Whirly Gatecrashers - Flimflam, Oregon
As recently profiled on NBC's "Dateline", members of this mystical c-word have the amazing ability to bend spoons with their hands. They also believe that the nearby wind devices that make electricity are sending them coded messages from God about the right time to follow the Celestial Weather Balloon to Heaven.
Two weeks ago the group attempted mass suicide by swallowing handfuls of Flintstones chewable vitamins - tragically all survived, teeth blackened by the overdose of fluoride in the vitamins. In stark contrast to the many UFO c-words that have sprung up recently, this is the first ever weather balloon - whirly wind device sect. Currently their "Date of the Apocalypse" pool has over 400 bucks in it.
Brethren of the Children of the Brethren - Bozomen, Montana
Located on a heavily guarded, 250-acre ranch in Montana's famous c-word district, The Brethren recognize allegiance only to their founder and goddess, Starrla Xo, a former adult-movie star and waitress at the local Hooter's.
Xo has impressed many gullible lost souls through her "miraculous " ability to heal flu symptoms with penicillin, bed rest, bourbon and Hooters hot wings. This group finds the ultimate truth in the "Magic Eye" books, but what really sets "The Brethren" apart from other c-words is their conviction that in the year 2006, "The Immortal Space Brethren" will land on Earth and form a new Professional Hockey League and Church.