Why The Army Sucks So Bad 

By Isaac Melnick

Or Be Less Than You Can Be!


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I talked to Isaac long into the night about his time with the U.S. Armed Forces and he had many interesting things to say. He ranting on a long time about the Army and all the crap he suffered through in it's clutches (before they kicked him out that is!) I asked him to list the suckiest things about the Army and here is his list!


1. BDU's - Aka  Battle Dress Uniform or Fatigues. These suckers are hot as hell and if you accidentally drop a lit ciggie on them, they melt all over your ass. Plus the colors suck!

2. MRI's - Aka Meals Ready Instantly But I never could figure out how shriveled up fruitcake, saltines and freeze-dried sausage patties make up a nutricious, delicious meal. MRI really stands for Meals Really Icky.

3. REFORGER - Aka Return Of Forces to Germany - only the biggest friggin' field manoevers in the world, three weeks of freezing your can off in the wet cold of Nazi-land, eating MRI's and sleepin in a tent. But on the plus side you get to trash, burn and break a lot of stuff and visit the German houses of ill-repute daily and the local beer kicks ass.

4. Riding in a APV or Armored Personnel Vehicle. How would you like to be sealed in a giant tin can, squashed in like sardines and have ta smell everyone elses B.O. and farts, Would you like it? Didn't think so!

5. KP or Kitchen Patrol, hey if man were meant to peel that many flippin' potatoes, God woulda put peelers on us instead of fingers.

6. Inspections - It's no fun folding up your undies so some faggot drill sergeant can come measure to make sure they are folded to exact Army specifications. Anyways the Army frowned on my freeballing it.

7. The Vomit Comet - Riding around in this shaky old helicopter trying to listen to what the Ruskies are sayin', between the motion of the listening equipment and the motion of the chopper, it's "Look out below!"

8. Change Of Command Ceremonies or any friggin' ceremony. Standing for hours and hours on the blacktop at attention. After about an hour the soldiers start dropping like flies, fainting as some big brass big wig blows hot air.

Psst! For the real skinny on Isaac in the Army, click here!

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